Monday, August 3, 2026

The Black Hole Apology: Can Physics Prove God?

 

Part One: The Model

 Let us construct an argument. The strongest argument that can be made. We will give it every advantage. We will build it from the best available physics and the most generous reading of the Islamic sources. Then we will examine what we have built and ask whether it can bear the weight it was designed to carry.

 The observable universe possesses a curious property. Its mass and its radius satisfy, to a remarkable approximation, the Schwarzschild condition for a black hole. If you take all the matter and energy in the observable universe—every galaxy, every star, every planet, every particle of dust, every photon—and calculate the radius at which that mass would form an event horizon, you arrive at a figure that matches, within an order of magnitude, the actual radius of the observable universe. We may be living inside a black hole. The mathematics does not require it, but it permits it, and the coincidence is striking enough to have generated serious scientific discussion.

 If our universe is a black hole, then it possesses an event horizon. Nothing inside can cross that horizon and return. Nothing outside can be observed from within. The boundary is absolute. Information, matter, energy—all are confined. And beyond that horizon, if physics is consistent, space and time as we know them cease to operate. The roles of space and time invert. Inside a black hole, we move freely through space but are dragged inexorably forward in time toward the singularity. Outside the horizon, the reverse holds: a being beyond the horizon would experience time as we experience space—something to move through freely, all moments accessible at once—and would experience space as we experience time—a dimension that constrains and defines.

 Now consider the Islamic sources. The Quran describes God as the Light of the heavens and the earth, with a simile of a lamp of unearthly brilliance, its light seeming to shine from itself, “light upon light” (al-Nur 24:35). When Moses asks to see God, he is told that he cannot, and the mountain to which God manifests crumbles to dust (al-A'raf 7:143). A hadith, transmitted through multiple chains of varying strength, describes the Prophet asking Gabriel whether he has seen his Lord. Gabriel replies that between himself and God are seventy veils of light, and that if he were to approach even the nearest of them, he would be consumed. The image is consistent across the sources: an impassable boundary of infinite light, annihilating to any creature that approaches it, beyond which God dwells in a reality fundamentally different from our own.

 The correspondence is exact. The event horizon of our black hole universe is the boundary that separates creation from Creator. It is the veil of light that Gabriel cannot penetrate, the barrier that Moses could not survive, the limit beyond which space and time invert and God's reality begins. We observe this boundary from the inside as the cosmic microwave background, the limit of the observable universe. Gabriel observes it from the same vantage point—he is, after all, a creature within the same cosmos—and describes it in the vocabulary available to him: veils of light, infinite, consuming. The physicist and the archangel are describing the same reality in different languages.

 How did this universe come to exist? Quantum cosmology offers a mechanism: a fluctuation in a quantum field, producing a universe whose total energy sums to zero—positive matter-energy balanced exactly by negative gravitational energy. The universe emerges from nothing, or almost nothing, without violating conservation laws. But a fluctuation requires a field. A field is already something. Where did the field come from?

 The Quran answers: "His command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, 'Be,' and it is" (Ya Sin 36:82). The divine command is the field. "Be" is the fluctuation. God's will, His word, His knowledge—these are not sounds vibrating through air. They are the ground of reality itself, the medium through which creation occurs. The quantum fields that physics describes are the "vocal cords" of God—the mechanism by which His creative act operates. The laws of quantum physics are a description of how God creates, not an alternative to divine creation. They are His instrument, not His rival.

 The zero-energy universe has a further implication. If positive and negative energy sum to zero, one might imagine—as a further speculative step—a balancing negative cosmos, a mirror universe entangled with our own, whose properties complement ours. The Quran speaks of the Jinn, created from smokeless fire (al-Hijr 15:27; Ar-Rahman 55:15), inhabiting a realm parallel to our own, normally invisible, subject to the same moral law, destined for the same judgement. They interact with our world—they whisper, they observe, they sometimes cross over—but they are not of it. The mirror universe is their home. They are made of its substance, as we are made of ours. The two realms, together, sum to zero. Creation is a single act, producing a doubled cosmos. And neither realm can cross the event horizon. The Jinn, like us, like the angels, are confined within the boundary of our black hole universe. The veil of light is as impassable to them as it is to Gabriel.

 What, then, is God? If space and time invert beyond the event horizon, then God is composed of time as we are composed of space. We are spatial beings, extended in three dimensions, moving through a fourth that we cannot control. God is a temporal being, present to all moments simultaneously, His existence extended across time as ours is extended across space. This is not metaphor. It is a physical claim derived from the mathematics of general relativity. God is eternal because He inhabits a dimension where all moments coexist. God is omniscient because He can see all of time as we can see all of a landscape. God is hidden from us because we cannot observe time itself—we can only experience its passage. And God is immutable, not because He is static, but because change requires a temporal sequence, and in a dimension where all moments are simultaneous, there is no before and after in which change could occur.

 The event horizon does more than separate creation from Creator. It also provides the physical architecture of the afterlife. The horizon is not a uniform surface. Its properties vary with proximity to the singularity at the centre and with the immense gravitational field that defines it. Near the boundary, where the passage of time slows to an almost imperceptible crawl, lies the Garden. The bodies of the blessed, reconstructed from their scattered remains by the same divine command that first called them into being, dwell here. Time passes so slowly for them that a day is as a thousand years—or fifty thousand, as the Quran describes (al-Hajj 22:47; al-Ma'arij 70:4)—yet it does not feel slow. It feels like an eternal present, a moment of bliss that never ends. From this vantage point, the blessed can look outward and see the face of God—the infinite light that Gabriel could not approach, now made bearable for eyes that have been remade to withstand it. They see Him directly, the veils withdrawn, the boundary that once hid Him now become transparent to those He has permitted.

 Below them, deeper into the gravity well, closer to the singularity, the passage of time grows unstable. It fluctuates between infinitesimally positive and negative values. This is the Fire. The condemned are here, their bodies reconstructed as surely as the bodies of the blessed, for the same Lord who spoke the quantum fluctuation that began the universe can speak again and remake what has been lost. They burn. The heat is not metaphorical. It is the literal heat of the boundary, the same annihilating light that Gabriel feared, now experienced not as a veil but as a punishment. When their bodies are consumed, time rewinds—a fluctuation, a reversal, a divine command—and they are reconstructed, and the burning begins again. This is not a metaphor for remorse. It is a physical process, a consequence of the dimensional instability that reigns in the region closest to the singularity.

 The blessed can see this. From their vantage point near the horizon, they can look down and witness justice being enacted against those who wronged them, those who rejected the truth, those who spread corruption in the land. The Quran says that the people of the Garden will look upon the people of the Fire and call out to them (al-A'raf 7:44–50). The model makes this possible. The view is not obstructed. The physics allows it. The same event horizon that hides God from the unworthy becomes, for the worthy, a window onto both mercy and justice.

 This is the model, now complete. It accounts not only for creation, revelation, and the unseen realms, but for the afterlife—its location, its physics, its experiential qualities, and its justice. It ties the Quran's descriptions of heaven and hell to the same cosmological structure that ties its descriptions of God to the event horizon. It argues that physics describes the creation, and that the Creator, by definition, stands beyond the creation's boundaries, in a dimension that physics can infer but cannot access. Every element is anchored either in scripture or in the mathematics of general relativity. The model is internally coherent. It is intellectually elegant. It is now ready to be tested.

Part Two: The Tension Surfaces

 The model is coherent. Let us now test whether it is true. We will apply the model's own logic, the model's own physics, the model's own method—and we will see what follows.

 The Schwarzschild condition that applies to our universe applies to any sufficiently large mass. If our universe is a black hole, then other universes may also be black holes. If the physics is universal—and physics, by its nature, claims universality—then there is no reason to privilege our cosmos as unique. Our black hole universe is one among many. Perhaps infinitely many. And perhaps the regression is infinite—a universe within a universe within a universe, ad infinitum.

 Each such universe will possess its own event horizon, its own internal physics, its own cosmic history, its own mirror cosmos, its own quantum origin. And if the logic of the model holds, each such universe will require its own divine creator—a being beyond its event horizon, composed of its time, who spoke the quantum fluctuation that brought it into being.

 The model that began as an apologetic for the oneness of God now ends by multiplying gods beyond counting. Our God is the God of our universe-pair—our cosmos and its Jinn-mirror. Other black holes have other gods. The multiverse is a nursery of deities, each confined to its own domain, each sovereign over its own spacetime, none with authority or knowledge or power beyond the event horizon that defines it.

 The implications for the divine attributes are catastrophic. Omniscience collapses: our God knows all that occurs within our universe, but He does not know what occurs in other universes. He cannot. Their event horizons are boundaries to His knowledge. Omnipotence collapses: our God can act within our universe, but He cannot act in another. Omnipresence collapses: our God is present to all of our space and time, but He is absent from other spaces and times.

 The most fundamental claim of Islamic theology is that God is one—al-Ahad, al-Wahid, the indivisible, the unique. The shahada begins with negation: La ilaha—there is no god. The positive assertion follows only after the negation is complete: illa Allah—except God. If the model is correct, the shahada is false. There are gods. Plural. Our God is not the only God. He is merely the God of our particular black hole.

 The Quran itself, read through the lens of the model, confirms this polytheism. "So blessed is God, the best of creators" (al-Mu'minun 23:14). The word is al-khaliqin—creators, plural. Traditional exegesis interprets this as a reference to human artisans, beings who shape and make but do not truly bring into existence from nothing. But the model cannot take refuge in that exegesis. The model's own logic forces a literal reading. If each black hole universe is created by its own God, then there are creators. Many of them. And if God is "the best" among them, He is being compared to them. The comparison implies similarity in kind. They are creators as He is creator. He is simply the finest among a company of peers.

 Now consider the deeper implication. If our universe is one black hole among many, these black holes exist within some larger space—a meta-universe, a bulk, a hyperspace. This larger space has its own physics, its own dimensionality, its own time. And beyond its own event horizon lies another God. And beyond that God, another. The chain extends upward infinitely.

 If God is transcendent of our universe but immanent within it—if He acts in our world from beyond the boundary—then He requires a mechanism of interaction. But if He is not the God of the outer universe, His interaction with the outer universe would require a mediator. That mediator's interaction with the next universe would require another mediator. The chain extends infinitely upward, a hierarchy of gods, each transmitting the message of the one above, each perhaps faithful to the original, perhaps not. The message that reaches us—the Quran, the revelation—is not the word of the One True God. It is the word of our local God, who may or may not be accurately relaying what he received from the God above him.

 Angels cannot solve this problem. Gabriel cannot cross our event horizon. By the model's own logic, he is a creature of our universe, confined to the same cosmic boundary that confines us. He can no more ascend to the God of the outer universe than we can. If revelation comes to us, it comes from our local God alone. We have no way of knowing whether our God is speaking his own words or faithfully transmitting the words of the God beyond. The Quran's claim to be the direct speech of God becomes unverifiable—or, worse, false.

 And to whom do we pray? Our local God? The God above him? The God at the top of the infinite chain? If we pray to our local God, we are praying to a being who is not omniscient, not omnipotent, not omnipresent, and whose message may not be his own. If we pray to the ultimate God, we are praying through intermediaries who may or may not deliver the prayer, who may or may not have our interests at heart, who may or may not even know we exist. The direct, intimate relationship between the believer and the Creator—the relationship that is the heart of Islamic spirituality—is broken.

Part Three: The Unanswered Question

 I have built the strongest apologetic model I could construct from the intersection of modern cosmology and Islamic revelation. I have given it every advantage, every generous reading, every plausible interpretation of ambiguous data. And I have shown that the model, followed to its logical conclusion, produces polytheism, not tawhid. A hierarchy of gods, not the One. An unverifiable revelation, not the clear speech of the Creator. A broken prayer, not an intimate conversation with the Divine.

 The model is not rescued by abandoning the physics that produced it. To insist that our universe is the only black hole, despite the universality of the Schwarzschild condition, is to abandon the scientific method on which the model was built. To insist that God is the God of all universes, despite the boundaries that separate them, is to abandon the dimensional logic that gave the model its explanatory power. The model cannot be saved without destroying the foundations on which it rests.

 Nor is the model rescued by the argument that we simply do not know whether other universes exist. The model's appeal was precisely that it claimed to know—that it offered a physical account of God's relationship to creation, grounded in the observable properties of our universe. If we retreat to agnosticism about other universes, we retreat to agnosticism about the model itself. We are left where we began: with a faith that must be held on grounds other than physics, because physics cannot bear the weight of theology.

 This is the lesson. Not that God does not exist. Not that Islam is false. But that the project of harmonising science and revelation—of finding God in the equations of physics, of proving the Quran with the data of cosmology—is a project that repeatedly collapses under its own weight. The harmonisers mean well. Dr. Mustafa Mahmoud, may God rest his soul, meant well. They wanted to protect the faith of young Muslims from the onslaught of a secular education that treats religion as superstition. But the protection they offered was fragile. When the science shifted, the faith shifted with it. When the model was interrogated, it collapsed. And the young Muslim who had been told that the Big Bang was in the Quran was left with a choice: abandon the science, or abandon the Quran.

 I don't claim to have disproven God. I don't claim that Islam is false. I simply show that this particular method of defending the faith—tying revelation to provisional physics—is self-defeating. There is another way. It is the way that refuses to tie the eternal to the provisional, the divine to the dimensional, the Creator to the creation. It is the way that reads the Quran as guidance, not as a textbook of physics. It is the way that accepts science as a human endeavour—noble, provisional, self-correcting—and faith as a divine gift—certain, unchanging, beyond proof. The two can coexist. They can enrich one another. They can challenge one another. But they should not be forced into an artificial harmony that serves neither. I am not calling for abandoning one for another. And God does not ask us to abandon science for theology, nor theology for science. He orders us to pursue knowledge and obey the commandments, without conflating the two. As the Quran instructs:

 

{ قُلۡ سِیرُوا۟ فِی ٱلۡأَرۡضِ فَٱنظُرُوا۟ كَیۡفَ بَدَأَ ٱلۡخَلۡقَۚ ثُمَّ ٱللَّهُ یُنشِئُ ٱلنَّشۡأَةَ ٱلۡـَٔاخِرَةَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَیۡءقَدِیرࣱ }

[Surah Al-ʿAnkabūt 29:20]

 

Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “Travel throughout the land and see how He originated the creation, then Allah will bring it into being one more time. Surely Allah is Most Capable of everything.“

 Can God's existence be proven? I do not know. I have never seen a proof that convinced me, and I have never seen a disproof that convinced me either. The arguments for God are suggestive, not demonstrative. The arguments against God are equally suggestive, equally non-demonstrative. The question remains open, and perhaps it must remain open, because proof would compel belief, and compelled belief is not faith.

 Can faith and science be reconciled with our limited human intellect? I do not know. I have spent years trying to reconcile them, and the effort has produced this article—a model that collapses, questions that remain unanswered, a faith that must be held on grounds other than the data of physics. Perhaps reconciliation is possible. Perhaps it is not. Perhaps the demand for reconciliation is itself a mistake—a category error, a confusion of domains, an attempt to make one kind of discourse do the work of another.

 I leave these questions open. The reader who has followed me this far may be disappointed. The reader may have hoped for a resolution, a proof, a satisfying conclusion. I have none to offer. I have only the questions, and the honesty to admit that I do not know the answers.

 This is not a failure of intellect. It is an acknowledgement of its limits. And perhaps that acknowledgement is the beginning of wisdom.

Sunday, July 5, 2026

A New Generation

To My Dear Brother Who is Never Forgotten,

Yesterday was a blessed day that brought both the tears of Joy and the tears of losing you out of my eyes simultaneously.

Our baby brother is a father now. His kid is still a small lump of meat, his facial features still not matured enough, but everyone look at him and says he is the spitting image of our father. May long they live.

I see in him greatness that I see in many members of our family. An endless potential of possibilities. Though if he turns out to be exactly as our father, he would probably be an army officer. I will do my best to advise him against that throughout his childhood and his teens.

Your shoes can never be filled and the void you have left is endlessly and persistently eating me inside out. But I try to hold on and I do my best to keep the body warm and the torch burning more brightly for the next generation of our family. It is an extremely difficult task or so it seems.

It turns out that everything is connected. The politics, the military, the world order, the liberal fascism, the economy, and the erosion of our sovereignty as a people and the erosion of our heritage as a pristine civilisation are all connected to our happiness, to our safety, and to our well-being.

There is no way around it. I can't fix one without the rest. And I can't see through fixing the entire world unless somehow, I became immortal.

But being immortal—albeit an amazing reward that all of humanity deserves—would mean that if there is an afterlife, I would be prohibited from entering it and meeting you again.

At least our parents are now grandparents. They lived enough to see one of their family branches bloom and what a beautiful fruit it has yielded for a first season. I wish you would've seen it.

Unfortunately, life despite the pain and the void and the grief, continues. Till we meet again when what I was born to do is done and when my song is sung and my music dies off.

With love,

Your uncle brother,

Monday, December 15, 2025

A hell from within

They say that hell is your deepest regrets and darkest sins repeating for eternity to torture your soul. And it seems my hell is not far off this bleak image.

Hello brother,

It's been a while since I've wrote to you.
Things have changed a lot since your sudden departure. Your big sister got married. I got married. Our little brother got married as well. All of us are successful and hardworking IT professionals. We live comfortably and happily but you are always missed; terribly missed.

I cried at every wedding including my own - I couldn't help it as the wedding was short of one very important person; You.

For me, it seems that my loss is far greater than our other siblings.
I still recall going to the hospital and breaking my glasses carrying you to a car with two medical students who have tried saving you to no avail.

It was your fate to die and teach me the most painful lesson I will ever learn.

I still remember the doctors scrambling like the busiest bee colony trying to resuscitate you but to my shock, you were already gone.

I still feel as if I'm falling on the ground over and over again. Stuck in 2010 in an endless loop in front of the Emergency Room with a half paralysed body and a nervous system that has reached its limits and on the verge of fainting.

I still remember calling my friends and them coming over to the hospital in minutes to pick my broken pieces up before my parents arrive. I don't know what I would have done without them. And I'm still clueless how I survived and how I could lead my life without you.

I had such high hopes for you. I've planned a life where you have my back and I would arrogantly have yours.

I had plans for our little brother where you would teach him about life and how to be social and I would teach him how to be successful. I couldn't teach him what I hoped that he would learn from you. My only hope is that he's learned a few things from you in your brief time with him.

Rest assured; Our little brother has grown to be a fine man. He turned out to be more courageous, more manly, and more successful than I could ever be. I'm so proud of him and I know you would've been too.

Maybe one day I'd be over this loss but forgive me my brother for I am stuck in front of the ER, still falling, still helpless with nothing to do and neither the ability to ease the pain nor getting you back nor going back in time.

Forgive me for I can't forgive myself.

Signed
Your stupid big brother.

Friday, May 16, 2025

رواه صعلوك

 

(اليوم الأول)

في البدء كنت قاطع طريق

اسبي الصبايا وأخون الرفيق

كانت بطولاتي دامية وشعلة حياتي حريق

كان الغضب بداخلي ينشر العفن بي كالماء في جوفِ فرعون الغريق

في البدء كان الطوفان بأحشائي يفيق

تصرخ في روحي مروءتي بأن الوأد شيءٌ لا يليق

ويملأني الخزي في كل يوم أثكل فيه صديق

أنظر إلى سماء الرب متمنياً حسن الطريق

(اليوم الثاني)

ثم جاءت رسالةً من رسول

إن اتقيت ومشقت الحسام للغفور

جناتً لترك الخزي من أجل الطهور

نصرة الضعيف لنشر النور

من أجل هذا أحيا

من أجل هذا أموت

(اليوم الثالث)

شققت وخِلّاني طريقَ نورٍ بالحديد

نسعى لنشر الحق وكسب القليل

لم أعد أقتل وأسبي وترفعت عن ظلم الصديق

ملكت الشام وخراسان وأصبحت أمير

ثم لبست الحرير درعاً ودرباً ورفيق

ثم تنعمت بالذهب والحريم والعيش الرغيد

لم تعد يداي خشنة ولا حياتي في البراري وخيام الشحيح

ومحيت أسباب الإمارة من أولادي حناناً فأصبحوا كالثريد

وتركت أُخوِّة الخِلّان وعزوة الأعمام والدين العريق

وابتعت صبياناً تقاتل لرجلٍ يُقال عنه نبيل

فقتلني عبدي لنعومة أظافري وشربي النبيذ

ثم حمل من بعدي راية الدين الرفيع

فدحر ظلمات دنيانا ثم أصبح أمير

ثم تنعم عبدي كما تنعمت بالحرير

ونعمت أظافره كسيده البليد

فأصبحوا عبيدي مثل ولدي كالثريد

(اليوم الرابع)

ابتاع عبدي عدواً كما ابتعته يقاتل بِاسم ذات النبيل

صار عدو الدين حاميه يبيع نصري بمالٍ قليل

قال خونة العمومة صفقة لحقن دماء المسلمين

وتندر بالحاكم عوام الناس عن زمن المسيخ

وصمتت العلماء في يومٍ ظليم

توجوا عدوي حاكماً وفارساً وحامياً لجموع الحجيج

فرفضت أن أعود لحمل الحديد

وقلت كما قال من طعنني بالخلف هذا لحقن دماء العديد

وصمت بالعار وبالثمن الزهيد

وأصبحت عبداً لعدوٍ كسيح

وصار عبدي الذليل بوكالةً من العدو حاكمي المجيد

اليوم أشهد ألا إله إلا عدوي واليوم بالكفر أستكين

(اليوم الأخير)

تبارك عباد الله حين انحنوا في الصلاة للقديم

ولعنة الله على من يركع دونه سيذله كما أذل تاركي الصراط المستقيم

يخدمون عدوهم ويحكمهم عبيد الذل من أصلٍ وضيع

كان جهاد عدوي بالربا في ماله وكان جهادي دماً وعرقاً ونوراً للطريق

فمن يفر من عزه وصراطه يؤتي عليه بالذل الشديد

تلك نواميس الكون فتبينوا لا ينقذ الله محتالاً حقير

Thursday, January 25, 2024

شهادة ثائر سابقاً ومهزوم حالياً

الثلاثاء ٢٥ يناير عام ٢٠١١م
دعوات النزول في الميادين لإقالة حبيب العادلي وزير الداخلية الدموي والذي ملأ السجون وأقسام الشرطة بمخالفات تربو إلى جرائم حرب. الهدوء يملأ الأجواء ولكني أعلم علم اليقين في قرارة نفسي أن هذه ليست مظاهرات بل ثورة وإنها لن تطيح فقط بحبيب العادلي بل بالطاغية رئيس الجمهورية محمد حسني مبارك الذي باع موارد الدولة ومؤسساتها وأفسد فكثر فساده وأوصل أكثر من ربع أهل مصر لدرجة من الفقر وسوء التغذية وسوء العناية الطبية التي لم تشهدها أرض مصر منذ مئات السنين.
أبلغت أبي وأمي بأنني سأذهب بعد امتحاني بالكلية إلى مظاهرة بميدان المطرية كونه الأقرب إلى كليتي. رفضت أمي الثكلى على أخي الذي قد فارقنا منذ أقل من سنة بينما سألني أبي عن أسباب المظاهرة فتركته مع صفحة تشرح مطالب وأسباب النزول بالمظاهرات وأخبرته إنني لن أذهب إن لم يقتنع بما تركته يقرأه وفي قرارة نفسي بإني سأذهب أياً كان رأيه.
خرجت من امتحاني وقابلني أحد أصدقائي يحذرني من عدم الذهاب للتظاهر وإن هذا يشكل خطر كبير على حياتي. نفس الصديق رأيته بعدها بثلاث أيام بعد صلاة الجمعة بجانبي في الثورة. هززت رأسي بإني متفهم ما يقوله ولكن هذا الأمر أكبر مني ومنه وأكبر من أمي الثكلى ومصلحتي الشخصية الضيقة.
لم يتصل بي أبي لأعود ولم أتصل به لخوفي من أن يغير رأيه ويستجيب لضغوط أمي. أخذت أقرب حافلة إلى ميدان المطرية وهناك كان صديقي من المدرسة وطالب بكلية الحقوق في وقتها في قلب الميدان داخل المظاهرة ويحاصره ومن معه الكثير من عسكر الأمن المركزي.
ترددت بأن ادخل بيدي إلى حصار غير معلوم النتيجة ويصعب الخروج منه أو ايجاد نتيجة إيجابية للمشاركة به ولكن بنفس الوقت لم أكن أنتوي تحت أى ظرف المغادرة. ذهبت إلى أحد ضباط الشرطة كي أستفسر منه لماذا يحاصرون المتظاهرون. فاجابني بتهكم إنني يمكنني الدخول ومشاركتهم إن أردت. شكرته على عرضه المغري وتمنيت له عيد شرطة سعيد وتركته وذهبت أبحث عن متظاهرين خارج الدائرة المحاصرة ووجدت كثير مثلي لم يرضوا الدخول بأيديهم إلى حصار الأمن المركزي وأحدنا قاد المظاهرة بشعارات وهتافات وبدأنا نسير في الشوارع باتجاه الاتحادية.
لم أصدق نفسي وهذه أول مظاهرة أشارك بها في حياتي ونحن نهتف ونسير إلى الاتحادية مقر حكم الطاغية حسني مبارك وغمرتني سعادة بالغة. ونحن في الطريق ويزداد عدد من في المسيرة معنا باغتنا عناصر أمن مندسة بيننا واعتقلت كل من كان معي. ذهبت وكأنني من أبناء الحارة التي كنت بها وابتعت بعض الصودا ورقائق البطاطس وسرت أبحث عن مسيرة أخرى فلم أجد.
يومها عدت إلى المنزل متعب ومجهد وأصارع نفسي وجسدي ألا أسقط مريضاً فأمامي ثورة أقسمت أن أكملها ولكن ما أن وطئت عتبة باب المنزل حتى لم أتمالك نفسي وتساقطت على الأرض أمام أختي وأخذتني الحُمّى والمرض لحظة وصولي إلى المنزل. ظللت ليلتها أبكى حالي وفشلي وعدم قدرتي على المواصلة وأنا أشاهد على التلفاز القلة الباقية ممن استجابوا لدعوات التظاهر وهم يقتحمون ميدان التحرير ومن ثم يتم مهاجمتهم واعتقالهم من قبل الأمن المركزي.
وعندها ظللت أدعو الله أن يؤجل مرضي حتى انتهاء الثورة وبالفعل في مساء يوم الخميس الموافق ٢٧ يناير وانتهائي من آخر امتحان للعام الدراسي بكليتي اجتمعت بأصدقاء المدرسة وعزمنا على الذهاب إلى جامع النور بالعباسية والانطلاق من هناك إلى ميدان التحرير.

الجمعة ٢٨ يناير عام ٢٠١١
بعد صلاة الجمعة اجتمعنا وكنا حوالي ثلاثون فرداً من الأصدقاء وزملاء الدراسة وظللنا نجتمع ونفترق مع كل ضرب نار وكل قنبلة غاز تطلق تجاهنا. وفي مرة من مرات افتراقي ممن كانوا معي، وجدت نفسي في مقدمة مسيرة وأمامي صف عساكر ببنادق مصوبة نحونا وكأننا أسرى أمام كتيبة إعدام وأدركت أن هذه النهاية لا محالة وبرضا نفس أكملت السير نحوهم ولعناية الله لم أصب بأى سوء.
سمعت حينها أذان صلاة العصر وذهبت فتوضأت وصليت العصر جماعة وبينما أنا في السجدة الأخيرة سمعت أصوات الأعيرة النارية بالقرب من المسجد وبالفعل حينما خرجت من المسجد لم أجد أى من اخواني المتظاهرين في أى مكان.
أكملت السير وحدي باتجاه ميدان التحرير حتى وجدت بعض من أصدقائي وأكملنا السير سوياً. في الطريق رأينا رجلاً يصرخ ويبكي بأنهم قتلوه، قتلوا صاحبه قناصة الداخلية. ورأينا شباب تحرق إطارات السيارات المستعملة لكي تعطي غطاءاً لنا أمام القناصة كما رأينا بضعة أفراد يجهزون زجاجات المولوتوف من محطة بنزين ملاصقة للمسيرة وبرغم دعوات السلمية، لم أجد رغبة في نفسي من منعهم من مواجهة العنف والقتل الذي نواجهه.
بعد دخولنا ميدان التحرير، احتمينا من برد الشارع بأحد المقرات لأحزاب المعارضة وبداخلها وجدنا الكثير مننا يلتقط أنفاسه بعد يوم طويل من الهتاف والثورة والتضحيات والرصاص والموت والانتصار.
وجدتني جالس بجوار أحد رموز هذا الحزب الذي لم اهتم بمعرفة اسم الحزب ولا اسم الرجل وأجريت معه حديث قصير ومقتضب مفاده سؤال واحد "لماذا لم يفعل جيلك أى شيئ لمنع مبارك من التوحش في حكمه. وكانت اجابته بابتسامة وحزن لم أفهمه سوى بعد اخماد الثورة بأنه قد حاول من قبل وقد شارك معنا اليوم.
عدنا أنا وأصدقائي وفي طريقنا رأينا لافتة بصورة حسني مبارك فوق كوبري العباسية وأقسمنا ألا نذهب إلى المنزل قبل أن نسقط تلك اللافتة مثلما اعتزمنا على إسقاط هذا النظام.
بعدما أنزلنا اللافتة ظللنا نهتف ونغني الأناشيد الوطنية طوال الطريق غير عابئين بضيق سكان المناطق السكنية المؤيدة لحكم الطاغية.

هذه شهادتي لأعظم وأنبل وأشرف عمل وطني في تاريخ مصر منذ ثورة ١٩١٩ والله على ما أقول شهيد.

لَقَدْ صَرَخَتْ فِي عُرُوقِنَا الدِّمَا
نَمُوتُ نَمُوتُ وَيَحْيَا الْوَطَنْ
إِذَا الشَّعْبُ يَوْمًا أَرَادَ الْحَيَاةْ
فَلَا بُدَّ أَنْ يَسْتَجِيبَ الْقَدَرْ
وَلَا بُدَّ لِلَّيْلِ أَنْ يَنْجَلِي
وَلَا بُدَّ لِلْقَيْدِ أَنْ يَنْكَسِرْ

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

Old man

If i could I would better
And I've tried in vain
But some things are against nature
Some things god did not ordain

For us humans to be civil
And for humanity to lack the pain
God would have killed the riddle
And built us ugly again and again

So when the youth revolt in anger
I lie inert, a lifeless golem 
Because my life has lost its anchor
And I discovered how much it's random

The land, the people, the grandiose delude
The belief, and certainity of the stupid
There is neither meaning nor is a route
That makes a meaning astute

I used to be one of you
But everything now is so bland
I used to be you
But the time broke my last stand

Now I draw lines on the beach
And waves come and go both sides
All is either blackwashed or bleached
And my name no longer resides

An imp in lands of thieves
A giant in lands of death
A knight in lands of grieves
A beggar in lands of wealth

Lost in body and soul
Depressed with no real cause
My loss is as common as any
I am but one in many

Friday, February 17, 2023

A letter from an idiot

Hello little brother,

It's been a while since we've talked and although I can't visit you due to the immense pain this causes me, you've been stuck in my mind since you've left.

Had you not left, you would have been an even more pain in my ass. You would have been an army officer and a son of an officer which means you will be more likely loyal to those bastards in high command. We would argue and quarrel all the time and we would still love each other despite hating each others' guts.

But you would have helped a lot and took care of our baby brother the way you usually do. You would have been friends with my wife because she already has her own "Ahmed"; the kind that wreaks havoc whenever he enters a place and always pick a fight with his sister only to laugh with her a second later.

If we were luckier, we would have had you in my wedding, and in our sister's wedding and you would have had us in yours. We would have seen your kids by now and our mother would have been a grandmother as she wishes everyday.

I don't dream of you; Probably because my mind does not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing you. But when I finally do see you in my dreams, I see you alive and well. I dream that your death was just a mixup in papers in heaven. Heaven's management has finally fixed this mistake and brought you back from heaven to our miserable lives. I see you coming home and I hug you and touch your face and then I hug you some more.

I see mom made us food — a feast actually because we eat like hippos — and you've grown up to be a fine man and the good son you have always been.

You go visit our uncles and you help out our cousins. You save some of them from the path they have taken in life and you guide them through this fine thread between being street smart and being idiots. You help in a way that only you can.

And then I wake up and my mind play games with me. I can't tell which is real and which is not because I had a whole other life in my dream than the one I'm living. I wake up and I realize it was all just a dream and I wake up to the same nightmare.

I get stuck in my own denial. I count you alive in everything I do. Whenever I buy yoghurt I get you an extra one, and whenever I serve a meal, I mistakenly and subconsciously prepare a dish for you. I see you in my wake because I can't seem to see you that often in my sleep.

I've tried to do good and fill in your shoes; but I can't; Nobody can. I guess I have underestimated your value in our lived.

So when will I see you and get to hug you in real life?

Signed:
Your big idiot narcissistic brother.

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

The Truth

The sun does not shine
The moon does not appear
These are myths and revile
And all knows what is real

As science says it's her smile
And God says it's her warmth
And devil says she's his fire
And people call her their North

And though I'm not a poet
Still words come on their own
And despite I cannot show it
Our bond makes it known

I love you beyond lovers' poems
And beyond mere feelings
Your love guides people to unseen realms
And gives me what everyone is seeking

Eternal, deep, and divine
Praise be your great design
Eternal, deep, and divine
I'll pray everyday in your shrine

Monday, November 11, 2019

Soon

Hi Love

I remember a lot of events in my life. Among which was meeting you. I was in a very abusive relationship and I was miserable back then. And you turned to be a close friend in a very short period of time.

You've seen it all. My depression, my heartbreak, my anger episodes, my pain, my happy moments, my achievements, and the battles I've fought. And you were always by my side as a friend.

And when you asked me about the bad things about you, I've found none. You are perfect; and you have everything I have ever wanted. I couldn't resist loving you. And I couldn't have enough.

And here we are. Waiting for our happy day. For we have found home in each other. And we have found everything we want or need in each other.

Here we are almost there; to becoming a whole; Two people in harmony; two peoole in total understanding and complete trust.

Soon

It will be forever. And I couldnt have asked for more.

Signed:
Your soon-to-be husband.