A hell from within

They say that hell is your deepest regrets and darkest sins repeating for eternity to torture your soul. And it seems my hell is not far off this bleak image.

Hello brother,

It's been a while since I've wrote to you.

Things have changed a lot since your sudden departure. Your big sister got married. I got married. Our little brother got married as well. All of us are successful and hardworking IT professionals. We live comfortably and happily but you are always missed; terribly missed.

I cried at every wedding including my own - I couldn't help it as the wedding was short of one very important person; You.

For me, it seems that my loss is far greater than our other siblings.

I still recall going to the hospital and breaking my glasses carrying you to a car with two medical students who have tried saving you to no avail.

It was your fate to die and teach me the most painful lesson I will ever learn.

I still remember the doctors scrambling like the busiest bee colony trying to resuscitate you but to my shock, you were already gone.

I still feel as if I'm falling on the ground over and over again. Stuck in 2010 in an endless loop in front of the Emergency Room with a half paralysed body and a nervous system that has reached its limits and on the verge of fainting.

I still remember calling my friends and them coming over to the hospital in minutes to pick my broken pieces up before my parents arrive. I don't know what I would have done without them. And I'm still clueless how I survived and how I could lead my life without you.

I had such high hopes for you. I've planned a life where you have my back and I would arrogantly have yours.

I had plans for our little brother where you would teach him about life and how to be social and I would teach him how to be successful. I couldn't teach him what I hoped that he would learn from you. My only hope is that he's learned a few things from you in your brief time with him.

Rest assured; Our little brother has grown to be a fine man. He turned out to be more courageous, more manly, and more successful than I could ever be. I'm so proud of him and I know you would've been too.

Maybe one day I'd be over this loss but forgive me my brother for I am stuck in front of the ER, still falling, still helpless with nothing to do and neither the ability to ease the pain nor getting you back nor going back in time.

Forgive me for I can't forgive myself.

Signed: 

Your stupid big brother.

رواه صعلوك

 

(اليوم الأول)

في البدء كنت قاطع طريق

اسبي الصبايا وأخون الرفيق

كانت بطولاتي دامية وشعلة حياتي حريق

كان الغضب بداخلي ينشر العفن بي كالماء في جوفِ فرعون الغريق

في البدء كان الطوفان بأحشائي يفيق

تصرخ في روحي مروءتي بأن الوأد شيءٌ لا يليق

ويملأني الخزي في كل يوم أثكل فيه صديق

أنظر إلى سماء الرب متمنياً حسن الطريق

(اليوم الثاني)

ثم جاءت رسالةً من رسول

إن اتقيت ومشقت الحسام للغفور

جناتً لترك الخزي من أجل الطهور

نصرة الضعيف لنشر النور

من أجل هذا أحيا

من أجل هذا أموت

(اليوم الثالث)

شققت وخِلّاني طريقَ نورٍ بالحديد

نسعى لنشر الحق وكسب القليل

لم أعد أقتل وأسبي وترفعت عن ظلم الصديق

ملكت الشام وخراسان وأصبحت أمير

ثم لبست الحرير درعاً ودرباً ورفيق

ثم تنعمت بالذهب والحريم والعيش الرغيد

لم تعد يداي خشنة ولا حياتي في البراري وخيام الشحيح

ومحيت أسباب الإمارة من أولادي حناناً فأصبحوا كالثريد

وتركت أُخوِّة الخِلّان وعزوة الأعمام والدين العريق

وابتعت صبياناً تقاتل لرجلٍ يُقال عنه نبيل

فقتلني عبدي لنعومة أظافري وشربي النبيذ

ثم حمل من بعدي راية الدين الرفيع

فدحر ظلمات دنيانا ثم أصبح أمير

ثم تنعم عبدي كما تنعمت بالحرير

ونعمت أظافره كسيده البليد

فأصبحوا عبيدي مثل ولدي كالثريد

(اليوم الرابع)

ابتاع عبدي عدواً كما ابتعته يقاتل بِاسم ذات النبيل

صار عدو الدين حاميه يبيع نصري بمالٍ قليل

قال خونة العمومة صفقة لحقن دماء المسلمين

وتندر بالحاكم عوام الناس عن زمن المسيخ

وصمتت العلماء في يومٍ ظليم

توجوا عدوي حاكماً وفارساً وحامياً لجموع الحجيج

فرفضت أن أعود لحمل الحديد

وقلت كما قال من طعنني بالخلف هذا لحقن دماء العديد

وصمت بالعار وبالثمن الزهيد

وأصبحت عبداً لعدوٍ كسيح

وصار عبدي الذليل بوكالةً من العدو حاكمي المجيد

اليوم أشهد ألا إله إلا عدوي واليوم بالكفر أستكين

(اليوم الأخير)

تبارك عباد الله حين انحنوا في الصلاة للقديم

ولعنة الله على من يركع دونه سيذله كما أذل تاركي الصراط المستقيم

يخدمون عدوهم ويحكمهم عبيد الذل من أصلٍ وضيع

كان جهاد عدوي بالربا في ماله وكان جهادي دماً وعرقاً ونوراً للطريق

فمن يفر من عزه وصراطه يؤتي عليه بالذل الشديد

تلك نواميس الكون فتبينوا لا ينقذ الله محتالاً حقير

شهادة ثائر سابقاً ومهزوم حالياً

الثلاثاء ٢٥ يناير عام ٢٠١١م

دعوات النزول في الميادين لإقالة حبيب العادلي وزير الداخلية الدموي والذي ملأ السجون وأقسام الشرطة بمخالفات تربو إلى جرائم حرب. الهدوء يملأ الأجواء ولكني أعلم علم اليقين في قرارة نفسي أن هذه ليست مظاهرات بل ثورة وإنها لن تطيح فقط بحبيب العادلي بل بالطاغية رئيس الجمهورية محمد حسني مبارك الذي باع موارد الدولة ومؤسساتها وأفسد فكثر فساده وأوصل أكثر من ربع أهل مصر لدرجة من الفقر وسوء التغذية وسوء العناية الطبية التي لم تشهدها أرض مصر منذ مئات السنين.

أبلغت أبي وأمي بأنني سأذهب بعد امتحاني بالكلية إلى مظاهرة بميدان المطرية كونه الأقرب إلى كليتي. رفضت أمي الثكلى على أخي الذي قد فارقنا منذ أقل من سنة بينما سألني أبي عن أسباب المظاهرة فتركته مع صفحة تشرح مطالب وأسباب النزول بالمظاهرات وأخبرته إنني لن أذهب إن لم يقتنع بما تركته يقرأه وفي قرارة نفسي بإني سأذهب أياً كان رأيه.

خرجت من امتحاني وقابلني أحد أصدقائي يحذرني من عدم الذهاب للتظاهر وإن هذا يشكل خطر كبير على حياتي. نفس الصديق رأيته بعدها بثلاث أيام بعد صلاة الجمعة بجانبي في الثورة. هززت رأسي بإني متفهم ما يقوله ولكن هذا الأمر أكبر مني ومنه وأكبر من أمي الثكلى ومصلحتي الشخصية الضيقة.

لم يتصل بي أبي لأعود ولم أتصل به لخوفي من أن يغير رأيه ويستجيب لضغوط أمي. أخذت أقرب حافلة إلى ميدان المطرية وهناك كان صديقي من المدرسة وطالب بكلية الحقوق في وقتها في قلب الميدان داخل المظاهرة ويحاصره ومن معه الكثير من عسكر الأمن المركزي.

ترددت بأن ادخل بيدي إلى حصار غير معلوم النتيجة ويصعب الخروج منه أو ايجاد نتيجة إيجابية للمشاركة به ولكن بنفس الوقت لم أكن أنتوي تحت أى ظرف المغادرة. ذهبت إلى أحد ضباط الشرطة كي أستفسر منه لماذا يحاصرون المتظاهرون. فاجابني بتهكم إنني يمكنني الدخول ومشاركتهم إن أردت. شكرته على عرضه المغري وتمنيت له عيد شرطة سعيد وتركته وذهبت أبحث عن متظاهرين خارج الدائرة المحاصرة ووجدت كثير مثلي لم يرضوا الدخول بأيديهم إلى حصار الأمن المركزي وأحدنا قاد المظاهرة بشعارات وهتافات وبدأنا نسير في الشوارع باتجاه الاتحادية.

لم أصدق نفسي وهذه أول مظاهرة أشارك بها في حياتي ونحن نهتف ونسير إلى الاتحادية مقر حكم الطاغية حسني مبارك وغمرتني سعادة بالغة. ونحن في الطريق ويزداد عدد من في المسيرة معنا باغتنا عناصر أمن مندسة بيننا واعتقلت كل من كان معي. ذهبت وكأنني من أبناء الحارة التي كنت بها وابتعت بعض الصودا ورقائق البطاطس وسرت أبحث عن مسيرة أخرى فلم أجد.

يومها عدت إلى المنزل متعب ومجهد وأصارع نفسي وجسدي ألا أسقط مريضاً فأمامي ثورة أقسمت أن أكملها ولكن ما أن وطئت عتبة باب المنزل حتى لم أتمالك نفسي وتساقطت على الأرض أمام أختي وأخذتني الحُمّى والمرض لحظة وصولي إلى المنزل. ظللت ليلتها أبكى حالي وفشلي وعدم قدرتي على المواصلة وأنا أشاهد على التلفاز القلة الباقية ممن استجابوا لدعوات التظاهر وهم يقتحمون ميدان التحرير ومن ثم يتم مهاجمتهم واعتقالهم من قبل الأمن المركزي.

وعندها ظللت أدعو الله أن يؤجل مرضي حتى انتهاء الثورة وبالفعل في مساء يوم الخميس الموافق ٢٧ يناير وانتهائي من آخر امتحان للعام الدراسي بكليتي اجتمعت بأصدقاء المدرسة وعزمنا على الذهاب إلى جامع النور بالعباسية والانطلاق من هناك إلى ميدان التحرير.

الجمعة ٢٨ يناير عام ٢٠١١

بعد صلاة الجمعة اجتمعنا وكنا حوالي ثلاثون فرداً من الأصدقاء وزملاء الدراسة وظللنا نجتمع ونفترق مع كل ضرب نار وكل قنبلة غاز تطلق تجاهنا. وفي مرة من مرات افتراقي ممن كانوا معي، وجدت نفسي في مقدمة مسيرة وأمامي صف عساكر ببنادق مصوبة نحونا وكأننا أسرى أمام كتيبة إعدام وأدركت أن هذه النهاية لا محالة وبرضا نفس أكملت السير نحوهم ولعناية الله لم أصب بأى سوء.

سمعت حينها أذان صلاة العصر وذهبت فتوضأت وصليت العصر جماعة وبينما أنا في السجدة الأخيرة سمعت أصوات الأعيرة النارية بالقرب من المسجد وبالفعل حينما خرجت من المسجد لم أجد أى من اخواني المتظاهرين في أى مكان.

أكملت السير وحدي باتجاه ميدان التحرير حتى وجدت بعض من أصدقائي وأكملنا السير سوياً. في الطريق رأينا رجلاً يصرخ ويبكي بأنهم قتلوه، قتلوا صاحبه قناصة الداخلية. ورأينا شباب تحرق إطارات السيارات المستعملة لكي تعطي غطاءاً لنا أمام القناصة كما رأينا بضعة أفراد يجهزون زجاجات المولوتوف من محطة بنزين ملاصقة للمسيرة وبرغم دعوات السلمية، لم أجد رغبة في نفسي من منعهم من مواجهة العنف والقتل الذي نواجهه.

بعد دخولنا ميدان التحرير، احتمينا من برد الشارع بأحد المقرات لأحزاب المعارضة وبداخلها وجدنا الكثير مننا يلتقط أنفاسه بعد يوم طويل من الهتاف والثورة والتضحيات والرصاص والموت والانتصار.

وجدتني جالس بجوار أحد رموز هذا الحزب الذي لم اهتم بمعرفة اسم الحزب ولا اسم الرجل وأجريت معه حديث قصير ومقتضب مفاده سؤال واحد "لماذا لم يفعل جيلك أى شيئ لمنع مبارك من التوحش في حكمه. وكانت اجابته بابتسامة وحزن لم أفهمه سوى بعد اخماد الثورة بأنه قد حاول من قبل وقد شارك معنا اليوم.

عدنا أنا وأصدقائي وفي طريقنا رأينا لافتة بصورة حسني مبارك فوق كوبري العباسية وأقسمنا ألا نذهب إلى المنزل قبل أن نسقط تلك اللافتة مثلما اعتزمنا على إسقاط هذا النظام.

بعدما أنزلنا اللافتة ظللنا نهتف ونغني الأناشيد الوطنية طوال الطريق غير عابئين بضيق سكان المناطق السكنية المؤيدة لحكم الطاغية.

هذه شهادتي لأعظم وأنبل وأشرف عمل وطني في تاريخ مصر منذ ثورة ١٩١٩ والله على ما أقول شهيد.

لَقَدْ صَرَخَتْ فِي عُرُوقِنَا الدِّمَا

نَمُوتُ نَمُوتُ وَيَحْيَا الْوَطَنْ

إِذَا الشَّعْبُ يَوْمًا أَرَادَ الْحَيَاةْ

فَلَا بُدَّ أَنْ يَسْتَجِيبَ الْقَدَرْ

وَلَا بُدَّ لِلَّيْلِ أَنْ يَنْجَلِي

وَلَا بُدَّ لِلْقَيْدِ أَنْ يَنْكَسِرْ

Old man

If i could I would better

And I've tried in vain

But some things are against nature

Some things god did not ordain

For us humans to be civil

And for humanity to lack the pain

God would have killed the riddle

And built us ugly again and again

So when the youth revolt in anger

I lie inert, a lifeless golem 

Because my life has lost its anchor

And I discovered how much it's random

The land, the people, the grandiose delude

The belief, and certainity of the stupid

There is neither meaning nor is a route

That makes a meaning astute

I used to be one of you

But everything now is so bland

I used to be you

But the time broke my last stand

Now I draw lines on the beach

And waves come and go both sides

All is either blackwashed or bleached

And my name no longer resides

An imp in lands of thieves

A giant in lands of death

A knight in lands of grieves

A beggar in lands of wealth

Lost in body and soul

Depressed with no real cause

My loss is as common as any

I am but one in many

A letter from an idiot

Hello little brother,

It's been a while since we've talked and although I can't visit you due to the immense pain this causes me, you've been stuck in my mind since you've left.

Had you not left, you would have been an even more pain in my ass. You would have been an army officer and a son of an officer which means you will be more likely loyal to those bastards in high command. We would argue and quarrel all the time and we would still love each other despite hating each others' guts.

But you would have helped a lot and took care of our baby brother the way you usually do. You would have been friends with my wife because she already has her own "Ahmed"; the kind that wreaks havoc whenever he enters a place and always pick a fight with his sister only to laugh with her a second later.

If we were luckier, we would have had you in my wedding, and in our sister's wedding and you would have had us in yours. We would have seen your kids by now and our mother would have been a grandmother as she wishes everyday.

I don't dream of you; Probably because my mind does not want to give me the satisfaction of seeing you. But when I finally do see you in my dreams, I see you alive and well. I dream that your death was just a mixup in papers in heaven. Heaven's management has finally fixed this mistake and brought you back from heaven to our miserable lives. I see you coming home and I hug you and touch your face and then I hug you some more.

I see mom made us food — a feast actually because we eat like hippos — and you've grown up to be a fine man and the good son you have always been.

You go visit our uncles and you help out our cousins. You save some of them from the path they have taken in life and you guide them through this fine thread between being street smart and being idiots. You help in a way that only you can.

And then I wake up and my mind play games with me. I can't tell which is real and which is not because I had a whole other life in my dream than the one I'm living. I wake up and I realize it was all just a dream and I wake up to the same nightmare.

I get stuck in my own denial. I count you alive in everything I do. Whenever I buy yoghurt I get you an extra one, and whenever I serve a meal, I mistakenly and subconsciously prepare a dish for you. I see you in my wake because I can't seem to see you that often in my sleep.

I've tried to do good and fill in your shoes; but I can't; Nobody can. I guess I have underestimated your value in our lived.

So when will I see you and get to hug you in real life?

Signed:

Your big idiot narcissistic brother.

The Truth

The sun does not shine

The moon does not appear

These are myths and revile

And all knows what is real

As science says it's her smile

And God says it's her warmth

And devil says she's his fire

And people call her their North

And though I'm not a poet

Still words come on their own

And despite I cannot show it

Our bond makes it known

I love you beyond lovers' poems

And beyond mere feelings

Your love guides people to unseen realms

And gives me what everyone is seeking

Eternal, deep, and divine

Praise be your great design

Eternal, deep, and divine

I'll pray everyday in your shrine

Soon

Hi Love

I remember a lot of events in my life. Among which was meeting you. I was in a very abusive relationship and I was miserable back then. And you turned to be a close friend in a very short period of time.

You've seen it all. My depression, my heartbreak, my anger episodes, my pain, my happy moments, my achievements, and the battles I've fought. And you were always by my side as a friend.

And when you asked me about the bad things about you, I've found none. You are perfect; and you have everything I have ever wanted. I couldn't resist loving you. And I couldn't have enough.

And here we are. Waiting for our happy day. For we have found home in each other. And we have found everything we want or need in each other.

Here we are almost there; to becoming a whole; Two people in harmony; two peoole in total understanding and complete trust.

Soon

It will be forever. And I couldnt have asked for more.

Signed:
Your soon-to-be husband.

Understanding God's Psyche Part#1

In the three Abrahamic Religions, god has his own emotions and reactions towards Man's actions.

"The way of the wicked is detestable to Jehovah; but he loves those who follow righteousness (Proverbs 15:9)"

"Indeed Charity extinguishes the Lord's anger and protects against the evil death (Tirmidhi)"

In Judaism, god was very active and interacted with Man; wrestling with Jacob, talking with Abraham, and inflicting horrors on the pharaoh and his people . 

While in Christianity, god sacrificed his son to save humanity from the original sin and all the sins that followed it - which expresses inability to save humanity by simply bestowing grace and forgiveness and weakens the omnipotence of god -

In Islamic scripture, god grew distant and more mature than the god in the old and new testament, using messenger angels and introducing a materialistic and pragmatic approach - affected by Judaism - to protect the religion from being defeated by the cultural and political superpowers that were existing in that era. While the only real divine interaction with humanity was when god invited the prophet Muhammad to heavens specifically to mandate the five daily prayers of Islam in person.

But god never ceased of being personal throughout the origin of Islam; God sent his messenger angel with a verse to testify the innocence of the Aisha - one of the prophet wives - from the people accusations and gossips of adultery; making it one of the most personal and the most interactive verses in the Quran.

However, God's interactions with humanity has declined overtime and stopped right after the prophet Muhammad's death. Leaving only the room for wild guesses by theologians and believers for god's words and teachings.

God's interactions and interventions with Man are over and the only way to know god now is to have a leap of faith and believe in the mythology of their followed religion without asking too many questions especially the most important one; Why did god stop talking?

Modern Jews believe that god was misunderstood from the start; that god is not a personal god who interacts with humanity but he rather tests mankind's will and its adherence to his teachings. Similar beliefs can be found in Islam as well.

Christians see god as the entity that made the ultimate sacrifice and that for this divine entity of the creator, all their sins are more or less forgiven and their souls are saved by Jesus Christ Crucifixion.

Our Modern deduction of the entity of god became increasingly contradictory with the original beliefs and scriptures of god. The basis of these religion are on the support and the blessing - And occasionally the wrath and curses - of god towards his followers. 

To understand where the contradiction lies you need to understand first how primitive and old the three religions are. Religions are affected by the circumstances of their origination.

God's promised land was a dream of the Jews to return and rebuild their ruined kingdom(s) which they have assumed was destroyed due to their sinful behaviour. The land was promised in the scriptures and the religion took its orthodox form during the period of Babylonian Captivity.

The call for peace and humility in Christianity was due to its origins in a totalitarian and oppressive regimes that prosecuted Christians at first as a rouge Jewish sect then afterwards the Religion got the sympathy of the whole Roman Empire and was introduced later on as the official religion of the Empire and used the popularity of the religion to control the population

And the call for Jihad in Islam was due to its origin in a tribal, and militaristic environment that puts chivalry and battles won above humility, peace or a hope for circumstances to change.

All religions are the victims of their present situation and their beliefs are only based on their origins and their symbolic rituals.

Man only sees the biased truth as a justification of the injustice and cruel nature of the political and social themes of their origins and so are the explanations of the sudden lack of godly interactions and interventions with Mankind since the prophet Muhammad's death. Man only sees what he wants to see and explains it only as he wants to fit the truth where he wants in his struggle to find the eternal and divine entity that he belongs to it and which we call god.

Origin of the formation of cults

It is in monkeys nature to eat bananas. And thus it is only natural to eat them. Imagine a group of monkeys that are beaten up whenever they try to eat bananas. The monkeys will learn and adapt that bananas are "forbidden" then they will realize that eating bananas are punished. And when one day a new monkey could come with a different perspective and wants to eat bananas among the old monkeys, the monkeys will enforce the traditions of not eating the bananas and a struggle between the new tradition and the old tradition will conclude the prevailing tradition out of the conflict.

But who would beat the monkeys and enforce this illogical punishment? Is it God? Is it mankind? Is it the ever changing laws of nature? Regardless of whom, the punishment is bare of any values or beliefs at first. It exists only because of manipulation and the intervention of a higher power (e.g. a wise man, or a dictator, or a holy entity).

Before religion, before traditions and values, there were only norms and abnormalities. Tolerance was not an issue, there was no homophobia nor discrimination against females. Most of the animal society depended on heterosexual activities to survive but homosexuality was tolerated and ignored due to the absence of punishment (i.e. no banana beatings).

Then came the idea of a higher power that kills whoever it wants and spare whoever it wants. The violence of nature and the harsh standard of living in the prehistoric ages made humankind susceptible to following the rules set by nature and to believe in some higher power that would try to justify the "punishments" or natural disasters that are caused in certain times of the year.

Man became under the mercy of the mood of nature and the mood of the higher powers that must have been either a manifestation of nature elements or the controllers of these nature elements in more religion mature societies.

Thus mankind began enforcing laws to avoid the wrath of the gods/nature. Some culture decided to respect nature or to unite with nature, others decided to beg for nature's mercy, others decided that the best way is to present tributes to nature to change the nature's mood and to live peacefully under the nature's mercy.

And when a punishment and the primitive cult behavior began to take its initial form, traditions were born amidst a need to live by a code; a religious code where a man can live free of punishments and becomes safer under the protection of Nature. And from traditions and developed religious thoughts originate the human values; enforcing the concepts of cheating, loyalty, deceit, bravery, ownership, marriage instead of mating, etc. And when values were enforced they began interacting with traditions, with each other, and with Man's understanding of the universe and how he should live his life.

As the centuries went by, Monkeys began to diversify into different cults. Some cults believed that eating bananas and getting beaten is how a monkey should live, other monkeys has considered beating as a test, others considered the bananas as a very harmful cuisine for monkeys and they stopped eating bananas altogether enforcing a value of self-discipline and a harmony with nature, and the list goes on of the cults beliefs, traditions and the values originated from them.

Some religions were beaten by new and more satisfying explanation of life or a new and enhanced set of traditions and beliefs. Other religions changed to accommodate to the ongoing changes in mankind living standards and nature. 

And the monkeys struggle to understand how to peacefully eat a banana continues.

رثاء أنفسنا

مال هذى الأرض نعمرها فلا تعمر
حاولنا أن نُزهر والارض تفنينا
ونرضى بالأقدار عن مصابنا
قد مات أحمدنا والكل يرثينا
وفنى توفيقنا فى داره الأخرى
لكنه فى القلب خالداً فينا
قد عشت فى وجداننا حياً
واليوم تعيش أبد الدهر ناسينا
جهل من يجهلك يا قلب أمتنا
وما فائدة مُقلاتنا ولا أدب فينا
مسكينة تلك الكتب بلا كاتب
مسكينة تلك الحياة بلا عرّابها
مساكين نحن بلا من كان هادينا
كلا لم تمت ولم تفنى
رثاؤك لا يكفى ولن يكفى
وكيف نرثيك والحال يرثينا؟
وإن سُألنا أين أختفى الشباب
- عن أعراس أمتنا - فقُلنا
قد ماتوا فى قبرك يوم تعازينا
الموت يأتى للجميع لكنه
فى مصر يأتى دوماً لراعينا

The last time I write about you

Hi Dear,

If you are wondering if I still write about you; that will be the last time I ever do.
You have changed a lot in the past few years; gained a lot of weight and your looks changed a lot from the little cute girl I’ve known.

I know I've broken my promise to never leave you. But at least, I still keep some promises to you. Among the promises I keep is to always have a place for you in my heart. I have piled up everything that belongs to you in one tiny room inside me; All the memories, All the suffering, all the sadness and pain and abuse. and inside the tiny room there is still a red rose inside a small box that is covered with sand like a deserted house; I never touch it nor enter this room anymore.
I wanted you to know that this place in my heart though it's for you, you would never find a way back to live in it even if you tried and I know you will never try.

I wanted to say that blaming myself didn't help; blaming you didn't help; blaming humanity and blaming god didn't help either. I wanted to say that this tiny room will always tear my heart apart and shatter my soul with every memory leaking out of it.

I want you to know that I've forgiven you even before any apologies. I have always forgiven you even when I say I didn’t. And that though all the pain you still cause me, I wish you happiness and the love you deserve, and I wish you could find peace in your new home.

Before you get full of yourself, I am not stalking you. I knew about your relationship by coincidence just today. I was surprised that you were loved even though you are a narrow minded and an unbearable person (no offense intended). I want you to be sure that I have given you up a long time ago.

I have found plenty of homes in the past few years and I chose a beautiful haven for me. A girl that I love so dearly. A girl that accepts me as I am and knows how much I care about the people I love.

I kept another promise; I talked to her about you and she hates everything about our story, no one would blame her anyway and no one would blame her for hating you.

I want you to know that she is everything I love about this world and I am proposing soon; So wish me luck dear.

I wish both of us the happiness and the life we have wished to have. I wish that our paths may never cross again and that we'd find the closure we deserve to forget as we forgave.

May this be the last time I cry because of you.
I forgive you and I hope you find the kindness in you to forgive me as well.

Goodbye and Good luck .. My wise friend.

Sincerely,

God's Names Paradoxes - Islamic Critic Part 2

Let's continue from where we've left..

Part#1 concludes that God is merciful but will not oppose the will of man/or actions  in order for man to be judged right in the afterlife

Then God's mercy can be defined to be tending to the wounds of the evil caused by man and fate which is written by God

The concept of fate is the things that are out of man's control. such as date of birth and date of death, health and well being, etc.

The problem with fate is that it causes harm same goes for free will. Which makes God either harmful or generous according to the situation and our own fate and our own choices. However God has chosen a rather interesting phrase that his mercy encompasses all things and he will punish and torture who he wants at the same time. [Quran: Suret: Al-A'raf: Verse 156]

وَاكْتُبْ لَنَا فِي هَٰذِهِ الدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةً وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ إِنَّا هُدْنَا إِلَيْكَ ۚ قَالَ عَذَابِي أُصِيبُ بِهِ مَنْ أَشَاءُ ۖ وَرَحْمَتِي وَسِعَتْ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ ۚ فَسَأَكْتُبُهَا لِلَّذِينَ يَتَّقُونَ وَيُؤْتُونَ الزَّكَاةَ وَالَّذِينَ هُم بِآيَاتِنَا يُؤْمِنُونَ

And decree for us in this world [that which is] good and [also] in the Hereafter; indeed, we have turned back to You." [ Allah ] said, "My punishment - I afflict with it whom I will, but My mercy encompasses all things." So I will decree it [especially] for those who fear Me and give zakah and those who believe in Our verses 

And because fate is written by God and to assume that fate holds harm to man then either God's mercy is conditional (i.e. Not encompassing everything) or God never wrote harm in fate (i.e. Harm happens against the will of God) or fate is written without God's intervention (i.e. God has no will over humanity's fate thus lying about his ability to change anything in "Deus Ex Machina" style) or that God's Mercy definition is not clear to humanity and God's words are not compatible with humans' words thus leading to a conclusion of a defected tongue of God and inability of communication (i.e. God is neither Omnipotent nor Omniscient or he would be able to communicate or know a way to make us understand his words clearer)

Then God's mercy by the previous definition can include everything in general be it in life or afterlife. However, God's mercy excludes people who are wanted to be tortured and punished.
A contradicting phrase associating mercy with punishment and torture. Which puts judgement before mercy and forgiveness but not under the umbrella of wisdom.

Because due to the harms happening in life, judging and punishing seems like the purpose of creation inspite of the clear statement in Quran of the purpose of creation of both humanity and Jinns are to worship God and not to be judged in life. This makes judgment the reason ulterior to wisdom instead of vice versa and justifies eternal torture as a punishment for sins. [Quran: Suret Al-Zariyat: Verses 55, 56, 57, 58]

وَذَكِّرْ فَإِنَّ الذِّكْرَى تَنفَعُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالأِنْسَ إِلاَّ لِيَعْبُدُونِ

مَا أُرِيدُ مِنْهُمْ مِنْ رِزْقٍ وَمَا أُرِيدُ أَنْ يُطْعِمُونِ

إِنَّ اللهَ هُوَ الرَّزَّاقُ ذُو الْقُوَّةِ الْمَتِينُ

And remind, for indeed, the reminder benefits the believers.

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.

I do not want from them any provision, nor do I want them to feed Me.

Indeed, it is Allah who is the [continual] Provider, the firm possessor of strength.

Another paradigm is that judgment is the quality assurance for a high end worshipers which is if working, it is by far one of the most inefficient quality assurances I have ever known.

The paradox of life purpose is that purpose originates from need and God does not need or because of absurdity of God which leads that God is not wise.

Another paradox is that God's actions are affected by individual and/or group behaviors depending on the circumstances inflicting divine punishment or divine bless and interacting with his own creations makes God is either manipulated (and not immutable) or illogical (i.e. According to God's absurdity hypothesis) and can not be rationalised.

Since the 1st conclusion beats the idea of God that leaves us with the conclusion that God can not be rationalised and is not Omniscient neither Omnipotent (i.e. due to "God in the language gap" hypothesis instead of "God in the science gap" hypothesis)

All of paradoxes cause can be described and justified in terms of language shortage that God's names are equivalent metaphors to his true censored nature and his true censored name. As for god in all scriptures has no name but his name is the adjective of who he is (i.e. "God" is a god).

Which in the end negates all limiting and inconsistent characteristics of God and replaces them with an origin word or phrase "God's word" or "God's name" which is not of Earthly origin.

For admitting the weakness of all Earthly languages we have got, it is to negate the perfection of the Holy scriptures ever recorded.

This means texts like Quran is not sufficiently written to describe God in an accurate way and humanity is unable to define the true name and true adjectives of god. which contradicts the following Quran Verse that states the Quran as a book that has all the knowledge embedded into it [Quran: Suret Al-Ana'm: Verse 59]

وَعِندَهُ مَفَاتِحُ الْغَيْبِ لاَ يَعْلَمُهَا إِلاَّ هُوَ وَيَعْلَمُ مَا فِي الْبَرِّ وَالْبَحْرِ وَمَا تَسْقُطُ مِن وَرَقَةٍ إِلاَّ يَعْلَمُهَا وَلاَ حَبَّةٍ فِي ظُلُمَاتِ الأَرْضِ وَلاَ رَطْبٍ وَلاَ يَابِسٍ إِلاَّ فِي كِتَابٍ مُّبِينٍ

And with Him are the keys of the unseen; none knows them except Him. And He knows what is on the land and in the sea. Not a leaf falls but that He knows it. And no grain is there within the darknesses of the earth and no moist or dry [thing] but that it is [written] in a clear record*.

*Clear record is often claimed to be the Holy book of Quran however some scholars do not agree with that interpretation and admit the Quran as another creation of God which has its own flaws as other creations have.

A parable to explain it further about a boy who brought a dog home. The boy fed the dog a fine meal full of meat instead of the leftovers. The boy is generous. Then he gave him medicine when he is sick. The boy is merciful. Then dog break a vase and the boy forgives thus the boy is forgiving.
Therefore, the boy is God according to the dog perception. and when the boy act harsh or leaves the dog hungry or ignores him, the dog will discard these events and will assume the same generosity, mercy and forgiveness from his master because his master told him to believe it is in his best interest and because he trusts his master. However, the dog's master is not necessarily perfect or a real god.

Humans either trust God and ignore any punishment for the sake of serving him or are angry animals who refuse to be treated harshly by life and thus see him as a tyranny both are driven by emotions not by any thinking methodology. (Please revise my article on the duality of proving a god)

Regardless, it seems safe to assume that God is not obligated and do not force himself to work by the definitions of his names (i.e. adjectives) which render his own names null and void.

A final parable to end my article..

Mr. Thomson is an excellent man. He does charity every weekend and he never break the rules. When his neighbour was killed they never suspected him because he is a good man who despite the ability of breaking the law, has forbidden (limited) himself from crimes. The police trusted Mr. Thomson and redirected their investigation into other suspects because they "believed" his word while some of the residents accused him bluntly of the murderer. But they have never found the killer since then and the police has never investigated Mr. Thomson because he is a trustworthy Veteran citizen. What they forgot is that not checking on him due to blind trust made him immune to law and corrupted him in return.

The indifferent world

Anger dwells
Peace floats
Love drowns
Cash flows

Time will pass
God will fall
People will die
So will us all

Thoughts are changing
Beliefs are torn
But without my fire
I am nothing at all

Hear my words
Heed my verdict
God is dead
Evil rules them all

سطور الكفر بالدعاء

لو تعلمون ما ينوء فى صدرى

لتركتمونى فى شأنى

أو أسديتمونى صنيع حسن

و وئدتمونى فى مهدى

لو تعلمون ما فى جحيم الفؤاد

ﻷطفيتم ناره بالدم و الحديد

و ﻷستللتم سيوف الغدر و الوعيد

حتى يفور الدم فى قرعات الطريق

فالموت رحمة لليائسين

و اليأس كفر

وللكفر راحة قبل الجحيم

والنوم راحة حتى الصباح

ناموا تصحوا

يأتى الصباح بالمتاح للآملين

إن تأملوا وخاب ظنكم

فلا تلوموا الله عن تقصيره

ولوموا تضرع الساجدين

أو اقتلونى حيث بصرتمونى

حتى يفور الدم فى قرعات الطريق

حتى يقوم الدم باخماد الحريق