A hell from within

They say that hell is your deepest regrets and darkest sins repeating for eternity to torture your soul. And it seems my hell is not far off this bleak image.

Hello brother,

It's been a while since I've wrote to you.

Things have changed a lot since your sudden departure. Your big sister got married. I got married. Our little brother got married as well. All of us are successful and hardworking IT professionals. We live comfortably and happily but you are always missed; terribly missed.

I cried at every wedding including my own - I couldn't help it as the wedding was short of one very important person; You.

For me, it seems that my loss is far greater than our other siblings.

I still recall going to the hospital and breaking my glasses carrying you to a car with two medical students who have tried saving you to no avail.

It was your fate to die and teach me the most painful lesson I will ever learn.

I still remember the doctors scrambling like the busiest bee colony trying to resuscitate you but to my shock, you were already gone.

I still feel as if I'm falling on the ground over and over again. Stuck in 2010 in an endless loop in front of the Emergency Room with a half paralysed body and a nervous system that has reached its limits and on the verge of fainting.

I still remember calling my friends and them coming over to the hospital in minutes to pick my broken pieces up before my parents arrive. I don't know what I would have done without them. And I'm still clueless how I survived and how I could lead my life without you.

I had such high hopes for you. I've planned a life where you have my back and I would arrogantly have yours.

I had plans for our little brother where you would teach him about life and how to be social and I would teach him how to be successful. I couldn't teach him what I hoped that he would learn from you. My only hope is that he's learned a few things from you in your brief time with him.

Rest assured; Our little brother has grown to be a fine man. He turned out to be more courageous, more manly, and more successful than I could ever be. I'm so proud of him and I know you would've been too.

Maybe one day I'd be over this loss but forgive me my brother for I am stuck in front of the ER, still falling, still helpless with nothing to do and neither the ability to ease the pain nor getting you back nor going back in time.

Forgive me for I can't forgive myself.

Signed: 

Your stupid big brother.

Happy birthday

I see him

Fallen on the ground

I carry him

Put him in the car

Check his blood pressure

But my hands are too shaky and I can't

Carrying him to the emergency room

My glasses fell down and broke

And I can't see him anymore

They told me he's dead now

And my whole body shivers

And I fall down to the floor

Can’t move my body for several seconds as I got myself a temporary paralysis

And through my memories a single drop from my eyes is on my cheeks against my will

Then the flow of memories is back again

Through all of the pain

I remembered what I should say which is "Thank you God for everything"

Then I stand up

On my feet

Telling myself

Not yet

Not now

Struggling to minimize the damage to my mother

I resist being paralyzed temporary or for the rest of my life

Hitting my arms and shoulders to the wall so I could feel them again

Calming down

You don't have time for tears

You will have to call your friends to aid you

Before your parents get to the hospital and find out

Hardly remembering their numbers

You call them

And so when you fall you will only be caught from true friends

And you will be loved and supported

Forever

Happy birthday my kindest brother

I miss you

30/6/2011